


We call her Harley Quinn

by Smokey310



Series: Stupid boys talking and maybe some smut [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Dating, Fluff and Crack, Friendship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-03
Updated: 2015-11-03
Packaged: 2018-04-29 18:51:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5138732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smokey310/pseuds/Smokey310
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Basically, what we’re doing is… we walk around and shout into the void. Like this…”</p><p>Tsukishima somehow managed to keep a straight face while Kuroo put a hand to his mouth and made a sound that was a mix between a howl and a croak and ended with a softening chant of “shit shit shit shit shit.”</p><p>“Okay,” said Tsukishima when he was done. “First of all – there is no way I’m doing this. Second of all – what exactly am I not doing?”</p><p>“It’s a mating call,” said Kuroo. “We need to attract… a bird.”</p><p>Now, this really got Tsukishima suspicious. “Is that so?”</p><p>“Yes, I youtubed bird mating calls and that’s what it sounds like.”</p><p>“Including the ‘shit shit shit’ part?”</p><p>“No, that part was added specifically for the kind of bird we’re trying to mate with.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	We call her Harley Quinn

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically just a way too long KuroTsuki OS. The other pairings just appear on the sideline, so if you came here for one of them, you might consider jumping ship before all the crack eats you alive. Also, as you may notice, I love the first years as a group way too much, even though they're no longer first years here, but in their twenties and you might argue if they're better or worse friends than in the manga. Since this OS is part of a series, there might be some things that go unexplained, like why Kuroo and Tsukishima are already making out like crazy but never even had their first date - the answer is: because they're stupid. The answer to all other unanswered questions is also: because they're stupid. Knowing that, you can totally read this OS as a stand-alone.
> 
> !!!! -> THIS FIC NOW HAS AWESOME ART BY [RANOUKEN](http://ranouken.tumblr.com/)!! PLS TAKE A LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL [BIKER!YAMAGUCHI](http://ranouk18.tumblr.com/post/138751730231/i-read-smokey310topftopfs-fanfiction) <3333
> 
> AAAH I'M CRYING! EVEN MORE AWESOME [BIKERGUCHI](http://seriousplan.tumblr.com/post/140987045488/yams-the-biker-dude-from-a-fic-series-called) AND TWO [CUTIEPIES](http://seriousplan.tumblr.com/post/140987858038/can-we-just-go-back-to-bokutos-and-akaashis) BY [SERIOUSPLAN!!](http://seriousplan.tumblr.com/)

„Look, I’m sure he’d love anything you buy him, so it doesn’t matter if it’s a backpack or a pair of fur-lined crocs and it sure as hell doesn’t matter if it’s light or dark blue,” said Tsukishima. He was still trying to be stubborn and kept his eyes glued to the pages of his book, but it wasn’t an easy task when faced with a lively blonde who had absorbed way too much of Hinata’s personality over the years.

“It’s cerulean or indigo, Tsukishima, there’s a big difference!”

“Blue and purple,” said Tsukishima and Yachi gave a defeated sigh. “Why do you have to make a sport out of being unhelpful? Don’t you want your best friend to be happy?”

“Yamaguchi is always a happy idiot and I’m sure his level of happiness won’t waver with the shade of blue you buy this backpack in.”

Yachi shot him a _look_ – just when had she stopped being intimidated by his height anyway? - but then she sank down into the chair beside his and threw her feet over the railing of the balcony. It didn’t look very comfortable, since she was still a short little bean and Tsukishima really did a good deed by pushing them off again. Just then, the second door to the balcony opened and the peacefully quiet afternoon Tsukishima had promised himself bid adieu to a beaming Hinata jumping out of his flat.

Tsukishima knew that he wasn’t the nicest person on earth, but in no way would he ever understand how he deserved to have to share a balcony with his two least favorite ex-teammates from high school. Hinata ignored the silent prayer Tsukishima sent up to God (if a “fuck you, God!” could be classified as a prayer) and joined them at the table which Tsukishima had originally put there to mark the border between their sides and not to create a place for chummy chatter and bonding.

“What are you guys up to?” asked Hinata in a suspiciously chummy-chatter-tone and Tsukishima finally tore his eyes from the pages to squint at him.

“Tsukishima is being mean, as usual,” said Yachi – a statement which simply wasn’t true and forced Tsukishima to clarify.

“I’m just telling you how it is. Yamaguchi doesn’t care about colors, but he’ll be over the moon to get a birthday present from the prettiest – and only – girl he’s friends with, so whatever you give him, just make sure to include a smile and hopefully a kiss, so we can all breathe again since the awkward tension between you two has been stinking up the place for way too long now.”

Yachi opened her mouth to say something, but ended up just looking like a fish, unable to formulate a retort to that. She ended up looking at Hinata for help. But for once, Hinata was being a reasonable human being and said: “Sorry, but I have to agree with him. I’m really sorry Yachi, really really sorry. Please don’t hate me!”

“Okay, that’s a few ‘really’s too much, but I’m glad you get it,” said Tsukishima and turned to Yachi again. “You see, instead of wasting all your energy on stupid things like colors while hoping that he would somehow realize your feelings for him through that, you should just work up the courage to tell him that you like him.”

Yachi had turned a bright red during his speech and finally burrowed her face in her hands. “I can’t do that,” she said. “What if he doesn’t like me back?”

“If you make me part of this girl talk then I’m going to puke right on the top of your head, Yachi!”

There – she finally looked a little intimidated again, but it didn’t work on Hinata, as expected.

“It’s really a good tip – Kageyama didn’t understand it until I spelled it out for him, either. And I mean literally spelled it out. With volleyballs. Yachi, do you understand how hard it is to keep a bunch of volleyballs in place until they form a sentence?”

Tsukishima couldn’t keep quiet after this, even though he didn’t want to be part of the conversation. He closed his book with a sigh, finally giving up on his intention to read, and glared at Hinata. “First of all, how exactly would your argument help to convince her that spelling it out for someone is a good idea and second of all: Didn’t he not even get it after that, because he never understood that he had to _read_ the volleyballs and he kept trying to set them and got annoyed when you would just catch them and put them back in place and then you two screamed at each other until you shut him up with a very disgusting kiss?” Tsukishima made a face upon remembering. “Also, why do I know that story? I never wanted to know that story, but – oh yeah, I was there, because you guys decided that in the middle of practice was the best time for this little scene!”

Hinata just grinned at that. “Most people applauded,” he remembered fondly.

“I’m sure they just slapped themselves to get rid of the mental pictures. I know I did.”

“I wish I were there!” said Yachi. She had the audacity to gaze dreamily into the autumn leaves obscuring their view of the sky. Tsukishima shoved her chair a little.

“You really don’t,” he said. “You would have lost a huge chunk of your innocence if you had witnessed it.”

“You’re just jealous,” said Hinata. “Because nobody wants to kiss you.”

“Oh my God – you have no idea how wrong you are.”

That was the wrong thing to say, because now both Yachi and Hinata were looking at him with sparkling eyes, obviously expecting some sort of story. Tsukishima countered their stares with a frown.

“Come on – this is new! Who wants to kiss you?” asked Yachi.

“Various people,” said Tsukishima. “Now excuse me, I just remembered that I need to do something in my flat.”

But Yachi wouldn’t let him go that easily and even though she wasn’t a big hurdle, Tsukishima didn’t want to accidentally hurt her.

“I want names!” she said while Hinata excitedly jumped up and down on his chair. “Do we know them?” he asked. “And are you even kissing some of these people or are they just interested in you?”

“I said no girl talk.”

“Come ooon!” whined Yachi and Tsukishima finally caved. This devil girl had some sort of power over him that he would never understand.

“Well, I am dating someone and you do know him and that’s all I have to say, so you two can shut up now.”

Expectedly, that didn’t work, because Yachi and Hinata just started hollering and wondering aloud, who would voluntarily go on a date with Tsukishima Kei.

“It’s got to be someone really masochistic,” said Hinata. “Or is there such a thing as a giraffe fetish?”

“Maybe it’s someone who can’t reach the high shelves in the supermarket,” said Yachi. “Do you go on dates in supermarkets often, Tsukishima? That might be a sign that he’s just using you.”

“This really isn’t the place and time for your weird imagination, Yachi. Also, he’s almost as tall as me, so.”

“Maybe he’s just too lazy to lean down to kiss smaller, nicer people,” pondered Yachi and Hinata nodded earnestly.

“Or maybe he’s an even worse person than Tsukishima?” he said.

“Look, all of this isn’t going to make me more likely to tell you anything about him, so you can stop low-key insulting me now.”

“When do you go on dates, when all you ever do is sit out here and study?” asked a new voice from Hinata’s flat’s side and Tsukishima groaned deeply. Kageyama came out on the balcony, apparently freshly showered, and sat down next to his boyfriend. He was looking at Tsukishima with actual interest and only a little bit of disdain.

“Reading books is not studying, Kageyama.”

“It isn’t?”

“Some people read for fun,” explained Hinata in a voice that sounded like he was describing a kind of disturbing habit or fetish.

“Well,” said Tsukishima. “I actually have a date later, so I need to leave you all and go get ready.”

Great – now it was three pairs of eyes that stared at him like hungry lions. He shouldn’t have told that lie, but he really didn’t see another way out of this. “Don’t stalk me!” he warned.

“We can’t help it if we live next to you and just so happen to feel like hanging out in the hallway tonight,” said Hinata with a grin.

Tsukishima _really_ shouldn’t have told that lie. But it was too late now – he had to improvise. Luckily, he hadn’t made up the sort-of boyfriend, so if Kuroo was around, he should be happy to take him out. “Whatever,” he said, trying to regain his usual level of caring. “I’ll be in my flat now, since I can’t take your stupid faces anymore.”

“Us too,” said Hinata. “We need to stay close to our front door, after all.”

Yachi was obviously confused about something, because she kept turning her head from one side to the other. “Um… who was I visiting again?”

“Them,” said Tsukishima immediately.

“But I’m on your side of the table!”

“Then I’m throwing you out – I need to get ready for my date, remember?”

Yachi looked like she was about to offer help with that, but remembered that (unlike some people) Tsukishima never really needed help with getting dressed, so she gave a defeated huff and climbed onto the chair she was sitting on. Before she hopped on the table, though, she turned around – now on face-level with Tsukishima – and caught him in a hug. “Thanks for the girl talk,” she said and before Tsukishima could protest, she pressed a warm kiss against his cheek and flitted away over the table where Kageyama caught her and put her down on their side of the balcony.

“I just became a hundred times gayer!” yelled Tsukishima to her retreating form, but the balcony door had already closed and Tsukishima was left standing alone, so he went back into his own flat to exchange the book in his hand for his phone.

It took Kuroo a suspiciously long time to pick up, but finally, the tell-tale “Tsukki!” sounded through the speaker.

“Why do you sound so out of breath?”

“I’m being attacked by a squirrel.”

“Okay,” said Tsukishima, “this is the point where I stop asking. Anyway, I need you to come and pick me up for a date.”

The phone was silent for a while, except for a string of suppressed curses and something that sounded like rustling leaves. Tsukishima really wanted to know what was going on, but he had already pretended not to care. “Kuroo? Are you still there?”

“Yes, sorry, I'm... uh. You want to go on a date... right now?”

“Well, if it's _inconvenient_...” He made sure to say the word 'inconvenient' in a tone that suggested it better not be or Kuroo wouldn't get another chance for a date in a long time. It worked.

“No, no, it's... I'm really happy Tsukki, I was just hoping to get some more time to... well, I don't look my best right now. A squirrel was gnawing on me.”

“As long as you don't show up in only your underwear, I'm sure it's fine,” said Tsukishima. He had actually seen Kuroo in a lot of situations where he looked like shit, but somehow, shit seemed to suit him well, because if it was a bedhead or dark rings under his eyes or a bucket of sweat flowing out of his pores, Tsukishima had never experienced a moment when he didn't think Kuroo looked anything less than sexy. It was quite infuriating, really.

There was some more rustling on the other side of the line, but then Kuroo's voice was back, promising that he would be there in ten minutes, if he hadn't been eaten until then. Tsukishima hung up the phone – ten minutes wasn't a lot of time to get ready, but Kuroo had already said that he looked a bit ruffled and since it was on such short notice, they wouldn't be going to some kind of nice restaurant, so Tsukishima shouldn't dress too nicely or he would just look stupid.

He was just about to close the last button on his shirt when he heard strange noises coming from the balcony. It was probably just Hinata and Kageyama again, but since they said that they would be guarding the door, Tsukishima went to investigate. There had been quite a few break-ins in this block, because of those stupid trees that grew right in front of the balconies and since his flat was only on the second floor, he had been lucky to be spared so far. However, his luck was over – or so he thought when he caught a glimpse of a figure climbing over the railing of the balcony right as he opened the door. “Hey!” he called, hoping to startle the guy and make him flee. “What the hell are you doing?”

He did not expect the burglar to turn around with a huge grin and call an excited “Tsukki!” at the sight of him.

“Kuroo? What the hell? Just… what the hell!”

Kuroo really did look a little gnawed on. The part of his hair that wasn’t covered by a woolen hat was sticking up in every direction, with a bunch of autumn-colored leaves stuck in it. He also wore a thick jacket and torn jeans that didn’t look like they were fashionably torn, just torn-torn. Tsukishima once again wondered what he had been up to.

“Sorry, I told you that I look-“

“No, I mean… I do have a front door, you know?”

“Oh,” said Kuroo, looking sheepish. “Yeah, this was faster, sorry.”

“How was this possibly faster? Were you already hanging out in the trees?”

“Um…”

“On second thought, I really don’t want to know. Get in here!”

Kuroo gladly obeyed and entered the flat while picking a few stray leaves from his hair. He looked kind of nervous about something, but then again, it might just be that Tsukishima had just asked him on their first official date. Kuroo was oddly nervous about their relationship sometimes. Maybe Tsukishima shouldn’t have used this opportunity to show off to his neighbors, but oh well. He had other ways to make amends. 

“You look cold,” he said, taking Kuroo’s hands in his. They really were cold – and covered in scratches, probably from climbing that goddamn tree. “Do you need to warm up before we go out again?”

“Oh,” said Kuroo, clearly not expecting Tsukishima to lean towards him and melt their lips together. Kuroo smelled of fresh autumn air and dry leaves, but he tasted of bark, as if he’d recently had a branch in his mouth. Tsukishima really started to get curious about Kuroo’s mysterious activities.

“Wow,” panted Kuroo, when they finally parted. “What a great time… for you to be so nice suddenly.” He gave a weird little laugh that worried Tsukishima only a little bit.

“Look, if it’s really that inconvenient…” He didn’t put any pressure in the word this time. For all that he liked to rile people up, he really did like Kuroo. “It’s totally okay if you need to go back to your tree-hugging or whatever you’ve been doing.”

“Hell no!” said Kuroo quickly. “I’m not letting this opportunity slip. We can totally turn this into a date… How do you feel about a nice little evening stroll around the area of the block? The trees can be quite romantic in this time of the year.”

“As long as I don’t have to battle rabid squirrels…”

“I can’t promise that,” said Kuroo and quickly leaned forward to mute all objections Tsukishima might have had with another kiss. Not that Tsukishima had any objections to begin with – he really wanted to find out why Kuroo had to play monkey at this time of day. But then he also didn’t have any objections to making out for a while, so he slung his arms around Kuroo and pulled him a little closer – as far as it was possible with that thick jacket he was still wearing. Kuroo made a frustrated sound in his throat.

“Damn, Tsukki, this is… fuck, okay, let’s just do this for another minute, that can’t hurt. But you’ll need to…” He cut himself off by catching Tsukishima’s lips again, but this time he was clearly on a mission, because he gently pushed him backwards, leading him through the corridor and into a room, without parting lips even once. 

“This is hopefully going to take longer than a minute,” said Tsukishima when he noticed that they had entered his bedroom. Kuroo made that same frustrated sound again.

“Can’t you try and be a bit more difficult today?” he sighed while pressing him against one side of his closet. But Tsukishima had no intentions of being difficult right now – or apparently he was being difficult by not being difficult, which was pretty great. He got to annoy Kuroo while simultaneously making out with him – that was not a thing that happened every day and he made sure to make the best of it. 

“Seriously!” whined Kuroo when Tsukishima’s hands wandered down to grab his ass. “Climbing trees with a hard-on is going to be such a pain.”

“Hm… maybe we should do something about that, then.”

“Be quiet, you demon!” said Kuroo, but he laughed while saying it. “You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?”

“I’d never!”

Kuroo pressed their lips together again, hoping to take advantage of every second they had before they needed to head out again. They only broke the kiss when Kuroo was pulling some sort of fabric over Tsukishima’s head, but before he could ask, Kuroo had already closed the space between them again. They continued making out with Kuroo digging through the closet with one hand and finding a cardigan, a jacket and a beanie to put on Tsukishima. 

“Isn’t this the wrong way round? Shouldn’t you be _un_ dressing me?”

“Don’t tempt me… we really don’t have the time. With that squirrel on the loose, I’ll have to fool Bokuto and Akaashi by painting a frozen turkey!”

“I have no idea what that means.”

“You will, soon enough. And I’m not going to explain, because then you won’t want to go on this date anymore.”

Well, by now the unanswered questions were pretty much the main reason why Tsukishima wanted to go out with him, so he was probably right. Of course, there was also the fact that he could prove to Yachi, Hinata and Kageyama that there were indeed people who wanted to kiss him. So much so that they had to wrap a scarf around his mouth to keep themselves from it, apparently. 

“I take it I don’t want to look in the mirror before we leave,” he said, but his words were muted by the scarf and Kuroo was just looking at him, panting heavily. 

“Okay… okay,” he said. “This is better. With your demon-mouth covered, I can almost control myself. Now, come on, let’s go!”

Tsukishima barely had time to grab his boots and somehow slip into them while Kuroo pulled him by the hand. They stumbled out into the hallway before Tsukishima even registered what was happening – well, at least Kuroo hadn’t insisted on getting out the same way he got in. But he hadn’t had time to warn Kuroo about the murder of crows gathering in front of his door, so Kuroo was quite taken aback upon walking right in the middle of it and Tsukishima collided with his suddenly still form. 

“Oh my God, Kageyama was right – it’s Kuroo!”

Tsukishima grimaced when he heard Hinata yelling and burrowed his face deeper into the scarf to avoid the pointed look Kuroo was sending him.

“But how did he get in?” asked Kageyama. He looked genuinely confused, which wasn’t an unusual expression for him, really. 

“I’m a ninja,” said Kuroo and all three of them jerked, as if only just noticing that Kuroo was there in his actual flesh form and wasn’t just an object of exposition. 

“Oh man, I’m so jealous!” said Hinata, not noticing how his boyfriend was seething in the background. Yachi patted Kageyama’s back with an embarrassed smile. “How does Tsukishima even deserve someone so cool?”

“Yes, I wonder,” grinned Kuroo. 

“Isn’t it obvious?” said Yachi. “Just look at how cute he is! Oh my God, that beanie!”

“He looks like an over-sized toddler in these clothes,” said Kageyama. 

“No I don’t! Shut up Kageyama, I have literally not seen you wear anything but your sweatpants for the last three years.”

“I wore jeans to Yachi’s birthday two months ago, so you are misusing the term ‘literally’”, said Kageyama earnestly. At this point, Tsukishima was probably ready to throw a punch at him, put Kuroo was still holding his hand and started to tug impatiently at it. 

“Well guys, this was fun, but Tsukki and I need to go on a very romantic date right now, so – sorry!” He skillfully navigated them through the small crowd of nosy spectators while Hinata and Yachi yelled at them to have fun. 

They practically flew down the stairs and Tsukishima was – not for the first time – really thankful for his long legs. He only noticed Kuroo grinning by the time they reached the entrance door.

“What?” he grumbled.

“You were showing me off,” said Kuroo proudly. “Which is why you were so surprised about me entering through the balcony.”

“No Kuroo, that is simply not a normal way of picking up your date.”

“But you were showing me off!” he said, still wearing his shit-eating grin. Tsukishima huffed. 

“I might have mentioned that I’m seeing somebody and… you know how they are. They needed instant proof.”

“That’s so cute,” said Kuroo. “You could have warned me, though – I almost ran over the little manager-girl.”

“You didn’t give me time to warn you. Also, let’s not talk about this any longer – I really want to know what we’re doing here.” Tsukishima looked around to where Kuroo had led them. They had almost walked around the block and were already on the small pathway that led to the park behind it. Trees lined the pathway and shaded the whole area into a blotchy patch with random bushes and gravel illuminated by the red-tinted light. “It’s going to be dark soon,” he observed.

“Which is why we need to hurry. Basically, what we’re doing is… we walk around and shout into the void. Like this…”

Tsukishima somehow managed to keep a straight face while Kuroo put a hand to his mouth and made a sound that was a mix between a howl and a croak and ended with a softening chant of “shit shit shit shit shit.”

“Okay,” said Tsukishima when he was done. “First of all – there is no way I’m doing this. Second of all – what exactly am I not doing?”

“It’s a mating call,” said Kuroo. “We need to attract… a bird.”

Now, this really got Tsukishima suspicious. “Is that so?”

“Yes, I youtubed bird mating calls and that’s what it sounds like.”

“Including the ‘shit shit shit’ part?”

“No, that part was added specifically for the kind of bird we’re trying to mate with.”

Tsukishima groaned loudly. “Why exactly are we out here, calling for Fuku-chan?”

“Because…” said Kuroo, squinting into the treetops surrounding them, “I was assigned to watch him while Bokuto and Akaashi are visiting Bokuto’s family in Tokyo and I somehow managed to… lose him.”

“Good!” said Tsukishima with a kind of enthusiasm that was very untypical for him. “This is the best thing that could have happened! Do I need to remind you of how awful that bird is? You hate it just as much, so I’m surprised we’re not here to make sure it _doesn’t_ come back.”

“I know, I know.” Kuroo grimaced, but he still wandered deeper into the park, scanning the treetops for an escaped cockatoo. “It’s just – if we want to get rid of him, we should do it in a sneakier way. You know how much Bokuto and Akaashi love that demon bird – they will never forgive me if I let him escape.”

“So we’re saving it now just so we can grill it later, when Akaashi and Bokuto aren’t looking?”

“Pretty much.”

Tsukishima sighed, but caved eventually. “Fine,” he said through gritted teeth. “But just so you know: Worst date ever!”

“I already knew that. Come on, let me hold your hand so we can at least pretend that this is somehow romantic.”

Tsukishima let him do as he pleased, but he finally put on the frown that had been missing so far. Kuroo leaned over to kiss his nose – the only part of his face that wasn’t covered by wool – and Tsukishima mumbled something about them not being little kids, dammit, but Kuroo was already back at croak-howling into the trees. 

After a while, Tsukishima was sick of it – mostly because he feared being seen by people who knew him, even though nobody would probably recognize him with all that wool around his head. “Why don’t you just call him by his name?” he asked. “It’s a parrot and a demon – I’m sure it has enough self-awareness to realize it’s being called.”

“I’m afraid that if he realizes it’s me, he’ll just shit on my head and fly away again.”

“See, this is why we should just shoot it.”

“Soon, soon. First we have to pretend to be a nice demon-lady-bird so that we won’t drown in a wave of tears when those two idiots come home.”

Tsukishima knew that he was right, but he was still angry that they couldn’t take advantage of this perfect situation. Now it was just a pain in the ass. Like any situation with that bird involved. As if on cue, something hard landed on his head and Kuroo immediately put on his war-face. 

“It has begun!” he said in an important voice. Tsukishima searched his beanie for whatever object had landed there and found something small embedded in the wool. It was a hazelnut. “Wha-“ he began to say, just as the second nut hit him on the nose. “What the fuck?”

“Shh… it’s here!” Kuroo moved his body so that he was obstructing the firing line. Even though he was being protected by his boyfriend, Tsukishima didn’t find it particularly romantic. 

“ _What_ is here?”

“The squirrel,” said Kuroo and flinched when another hazelnut hit him on the back of the head. “At least this means that Fuku-chan is close-by.”

“… why?”

“I think the squirrel wants to eat him. It’s been stalking him the whole time and every time I got close to him, it attacked me. Tried to defend its prey, you know?”

The ‘prey’, as it was, chose this moment to reveal its presence by sending a horror-like imitation of Bokuto’s laughter through the trees.

“Halloween is already over, you stupid fucking-“ yelled Kuroo and only stopped when Tsukishima laid a hand on his shoulder. 

“Let me handle this,” he said. He had spotted neither the squirrel nor the cockatoo, but he had thought of a way to gain both of their attention. Kuroo watched attentively as he gathered the hazelnuts that were strewn around them and cracked them open with one hand. “Feeding time!” he yelled. “Come, Fuku-chan! Get this nice little snack.” 

He barely had time to duck when a huge, furry body jumped out of the trees and threw itself at him. It snatched the nuts from his hands mid-flight, managed to scratch him while doing so and hopped its fat ass back into the bushes. Kuroo threw a stone after it.

“Shit, are you okay, Tsukki?”

“No,” said Tsukishima in a voice that sounded like he was dying. “It scratched me. I have rabies now.”

“You don't have rabies, it's not mad, it's just fat and mean.”

“I need to go to a hospital.”

From the treetops, Fuku-chan could be heard laughing again and Kuroo gave a deep sigh. “Don't lose your cool now, Tsukki – you can't lose to an overweight squirrel and an asshole parrot.”

That really did sound uncool, so Tsukishima did his best to pull himself together. Fuck, he hated animals so much. Why did people always pretend like they weren't a bunch of loud, stinking fur-monsters that only pissed everywhere and ate everything but the expensive food bought for them? 

“Anyway,” said Kuroo. “It's a good thing that we've teamed up. That way, someone can battle the squirrel while the other one climbs the tree to retrieve Fuku-chan.”

“I really don't want to do either of these things,” said Tsukishima. 

“Come on – since when is working together not romantic? This is actually a perfect first date, you know?”

“No, this doesn't count. This will never count!”

“So you're not helping me?” Kuroo batted his eyelashes until Tsukishima hit him on the head.

“Stop that! I will help you, but after that you will owe me _so many things_!”

“I'm fine with that. So... which one is it going to be? The battling or the climbing?”

Tsukishima sighed – he really didn't want to do any of those things. “Since I can't decide what's more awful, let's just throw a coin...”

He ended up with climbing and instantly regretted his choice. But then, he would have also regretted it if he'd ended up with battling the squirrel, so it didn't really matter. 

“If I fall down and break my neck, I will come back to haunt you,” he warned. Kuroo didn't look too concerned. “Also, how am I supposed to move with all those clothes you put on me?”

“You'll manage. But you should probably lose the scarf, lest you'll hang yourself with it.”

That at least sounded like a good idea, so Tsukishima did as he was told and pressed the scarf against Kuroo's face. “Hold that for me,” he said and wandered over to the tree from which they had heard Fuku-chan's voice coming. “Hey, you stupid bird – are you still there?”

“Shit shit shit shit shit,” answered Fuku-chan. Well, Tsukishima couldn't find a reason to abandon the mission now, so he looked for a branch he could reach to pull himself up. His height came in handy, once again – his arm muscles did not. 

“Fuck!” he groaned. “Why can't Bokuto be here for this?”

“Because I lost his stupid cockatoo and he wouldn't use his arm muscles for anything else than to hit my face in.”

“He'd be too busy crying,” said Tsukishima. Somehow he had managed to climb the first branch and from there it was easier to get to the others. He still felt like a human representation of that fat squirrel though, in his stupid amount of clothes. It wasn't even that cold – he had hung out on the balcony in just his cardigan not too long ago. 

“Incoming!” shouted Kuroo from under him and Tsukishima caught a glimpse of the squirrel just as it was about to run up the tree. Kuroo swung a branch at it like a baseball bat and the squirrel jumped down again to hide in the bushes. “Did you see that? I protected you!”

“Shut up, that was nothing!”

It really wasn't, because a second later the squirrel decided to start a real attack by flying out of the bushes and scramble into Kuroo's jacket. Tsukishima observed his screaming dance for a moment to remind himself that climbing the tree really was the better option, then he went back to digging through the leaves and branches that kept getting thicker the further he got.

“Are you still alive?” he called after a while.

“I think it bit off my nipple,” sobbed Kuroo and Tsukishima grimaced.

“You definitely have rabies now, so I'll never touch you again.”

“Please just get up there and find the bird so that I can wring its fucking neck!”

“I would, but I think I'm stuck...” 

Some of the thinner branches had somehow poked holes into his jacket and refused to let it go. Tsukishima really felt like crying. He couldn't believe that his date with Kuroo ended with him being stuck in a tree... no, actually he totally could believe it. He totally could. But just when he was about to give it all up, he finally spotted a patch of white through the yellow-red of the leaves. “Fuku-chan?” he inquired. The bird responded with a long fart-sound. “I found him!” he informed Kuroo and was rewarded with a mildly joyous sob. 

“Come here, Fuku-chan, let's get you home,” he said in his nicest voice. “Come here, you little Fucker-chan, you.”

“Fucker-chan,” responded the bird sweetly. Okay – Akaashi was going to kill him. 

“God I hate you so much.”

“FUCK!” came a scream from the ground and Tsukishima almost let go of the branch he was holding on to. “Tsukki, run away!”

“How?” he screamed back. He didn't need to ask what had happened, he could already see the shadow running up towards him. It was now or never... he reached his arm out towards the white bird sitting above him and managed to grab... nothing. A second later his view was partially obscured by a white, thick liquid that landed on his glasses. He could hear the flutter of wings. Then Fuku-chan was gone and the squirrel was there and bodily tackled him from the branch he was standing on.

The landing wasn't as hard as expected. Mostly because half of the tree's branches were still connected with his jacket, which slowed down his fall to a point where he was just dropped a few inches at a time before getting tangled in new branches. He arrived at the lowest branch looking like a hedgehog that had been rolling around in a pile of leaves. Kuroo collected him from there without saying a single word.

Tsukishima was so mad that he could hardly speak. “Kill...” was all he managed and even though Kuroo didn't know if it was aimed at him or the bird, he nodded darkly. 

“That flying roast chicken _shat_ in my face!”

Kuroo took the smeared glasses off his face and proceeded to clean them on his own clothes. It wasn't much, but the gesture somehow managed to calm Tsukishima a little bit. 

“That really was the worst date in the history of dates.”

“I thought this didn't count?” said Kuroo while putting the now clean glasses back on Tsukishima's face.

“I changed my mind. This counts so I can tell everybody about how awful your ideas of dates are, then nobody will ever want to date you again.”

Kuroo smiled a bit, although it still looked like he was in pain. 

“I hope I'll never need anybody else then.”

“Bring me that parrot's heart on a stick and you won't.”

Kuroo couldn't help but to laugh at that. “You better not say any more, because I'm very tempted to actually do it.” He reached out for Tsukishima's hands, which were still shaking – partly from the shock of falling down a tree, partly from anger. “Just not for our second date, okay?”

“Yes, I'd be very thankful if it was something not involving animals.”

“That I promise,” said Kuroo. “And now come here so that I can kiss you and pretend like there isn't a shooting pain in my nipple.”

Tsukishima obliged and was surprised to find it a good idea – his heart was still racing, the adrenaline still fresh in his veins and the pain from a thousand little scratches prickled on his skin. It was unlike any end-of-the-date-kiss he'd ever had. It was really good. 

“Okay,” he sighed when they finally parted. “Can we just go back to Bokuto's and Akaashi's flat, take a shower and then make out against every surface we can find?”

“Absolutely,” grinned Kuroo. “Man, I can't believe I'm going to get some after all of that.”

“I'm just doing it out of spite,” said Tsukishima. 

“Fine with me,” said Kuroo. 

They walked the way back hand in hand, taking turns in picking little branches and leaves out of their clothes. It was really getting dark by now and it probably wouldn't take long for Bokuto and Akaashi to return and they hadn't managed to get Fuku-chan back, but for the moment, they felt oddly peaceful. 

The moment of peace was over as soon as they heard a voice in the distance, chanting“shit shit shit shit shit shit shit.” This was followed by another voice – a voice that Tsukishima instantly recognized as a choir of angels singing while bells tolled in the background. 

“That's not very nice,” said the voice. “Who is teaching such a cute bird such awful things? Can you say your name?”

“Fucker-chan,” said the bird happily. 

The voice couldn't help but giggle a little. “No it's not. It's cutie-pie. Say it with me...”

“Fucker-pie!”

“No, that's not it...”

Kuroo and Tsukishima finally reached the end of the tree-lined pathway and stood in front of their block again, where they saw the owner of the voice not too far away, illuminated by an early street lamp. He was sitting on his Kawasaki, the bird perched on his shoulder as if it were the tamest beast in the world. He turned around when he heard their steps approaching and Tsukishima was suddenly blinded by a huge smile.

“Tsukki! What are you doing here, I thought you were on a date?”

“Yes – don't worry, this is all part of the date,” said Kuroo. “Actually, you'd do us a huge favor if you could just somehow transport that demon bird on your shoulder through the entrance door.”

Yamaguchi looked a little confused, but he climbed down from his motorcycle and accompanied them to the door without even having to worry about the bird flying away. “Is this your bird?” he asked Kuroo.

“No!” said Kuroo and Tsukishima at the same time. Fuku-chan screeched angrily. But it was too late for him to get cocky again, because they had finally entered the block and the door fell shut behind him and both Kuroo and Tsukishima let go of a breath they didn't know they were holding. “Alright,” said Kuroo. “He's not getting away again...” He bent down to loosen one of his shoelaces and handed it to Yamaguchi. “Please tie this around his claws, I beg you.”

Yamaguchi looked a little worried, but he did as he was told and when he was done Kuroo took hold of the other end of the shoelace and Fuku-chan was successfully captured. Tsukishima almost broke into tears.

“What are you doing out there in the dark?” he asked Yamaguchi to distract himself. 

“I'm just waiting for Yachi. She was visiting Hinata and Kageyama and since it's already dark I offered her a ride home.”

Tsukishima almost groaned at that disgusting perfection, but he settled for patting Yamaguchi's shoulder. “Okay then – you two go be disgusting somewhere else, I'll see you later tonight. Maybe.”

“Maybe?” asked Yamaguchi and this time Tsukishima really did groan. “Oh,” said Yamaguchi, looking at Kuroo. “I see!” He winked at them. “Well then, have fun, you guys!”

Tsukishima didn't have the air to extend his groan. Kuroo whispered: “Can I slap him?”

“Unfortunately no.” 

“It must be hard,” said Kuroo and Tsukishima nodded sullenly while Yamaguchi turned around and exited the door with an oblivious smile.

They found Yachi sitting on the second flight of stairs, drowning in a jacket that was about a hundred sizes too big and burrowing her head in her hands.

“He's waiting for you, you know?” sighed Tsukishima and Yachi squeaked. It took her some time to recognize him, judging from the number of blinks it took her until her mouth went “oh!”.

“I don't want to talk about it. Now go and meet him, before he thinks he's been abandoned.”

“But...” whimpered Yachi, “Tsukishima... you don't understand. What if I swoon? I mean – he's so cool and so nice and so perfect and he offered me his leather jacket so I wouldn't freeze on the motorcycle and he actually had a bunch of different helmets so he could ride with people of varying head-sizes, I mean – who does that? Why did he have to become so cool? I blame you, you know?”

Well, that was just stupid. Tsukishima was literally standing here looking like an over-sized toddler, covered in leaves and bird-shit and next to him was his loser boyfriend who was wearing one shoe with no shoelaces and was holding a cursing cockatoo like a particularly angry balloon. He really couldn't be blamed for Yamaguchi's stupid cool piercings and stupid cool ponytail and stupid cool tattoos and stupid cool motorcycle. “Blame puberty, not me!”

“It's not fair!” whined Yachi. 

“Tell me about it,” mumbled Kuroo. 

Tsukishima finally heard enough. “Look, Yachi – my date today consisted of falling down a tree and wrestling a fat squirrel, so if you don't want to end up like me, you need to get up and get down there right now!”

That worked, much to Kuroo's chagrin. Yachi took a deep breath and gave a determined nod. “Okay,” she said, standing up. “Okay, I'll do it.” She took three steps down the stairs before turning back to Tsukishima. “But if I actually do swoon and fall down from the motorcycle, I will come back to haunt you!”

“After today's events, I'm sure I can take it,” said Tsukishima. “Actually, I can't wait until we're all dead and haunting each other.”

“Hold on tight!” said Kuroo and even Fuku-chan had something to say, even if it was just a long fart sound. 

“Okay, see you!” said Yachi and then she was finally gone. Tsukishima just hoped that she would make it out the door this time before she had another break-down. 

“Ah, young love...” sighed Kuroo while watching her flit down the stairs. Tsukishima shot him a look.

“If you start with that grandpa-talk again, I'm afraid I'll have to break up with you. We're in our mid-twenties, for God's sake.”

“But we lead a fast and dangerous life,” said Kuroo and picked another leaf out of his hair. 

“No we don't. All the danger we ever face is only due to Bokuto's or your stupidity.”

“You wound me!”

“Fucker!” agreed Fuku-chan. He had stopped fluttering about and was now sitting on Kuroo's head, where he contented himself with shitting down the back of his neck. Kuroo had no time to get angry though, because they had finally reached their friends' flat. Tsukishima let himself fall against the door while Kuroo wrestled with the keys for a while – then there was a soothing “click” and the door opened up. It took Kuroo three seconds to run over to the bedroom, throw the bird inside and close the door behind him. 

“Let's just hope that he shits and pees everywhere,” he said. “Meanwhile – how about we try out if we fit in that shower together?”

“God, yes.”

They showered until the flow of the water turned ice cold and then they raided Bokuto's closet, because he had the stupidest and biggest sweaters, and then they emptied the whole fridge save for one jar of pickles. 

“I feel better now,” sighed Kuroo happily. He had thrown himself on the couch while Tsukishima inspected the DVD-collection. There was nothing new since last time he had inspected it, though, and he was halfway back to the couch when they heard a key turning in the front door. Bokuto's loud voice followed after only a second.

“We're baaaaaack!”

“You don't even know if we're here!” yelled Kuroo, but he couldn't help his grin when Bokuto's beaming face appeared in the living room. 

“You're here!” he said, “I was only expecting Fuku-chan! Didn't know you were so eager to hang out with him.”

“I'm not!” said Kuroo. “I locked him in the bedroom.”

Bokuto turned around to check on Fuku-chan just as Akaashi entered the living room. He made a beeline for Tsukishima and threw his arms around him without a warning. 

“I missed you so much!” he sobbed. Kuroo and Tsukishima just stared at him, not quite sure what was going on. “People with no energy are my favorite people in the world.”

“Oh...” Kuroo laughed. “Bokuto's family, huh?”

Akaashi just pressed his face closer to Tsukishima's chest. “Never change, please!”

Tsukishima awkwardly patted his shoulder. “I'll try,” he promised. 

Bokuto enriched their peaceful moment with a scream and Kuroo threw a cushion in his general direction, even though he wasn't standing in the room. “Be quiet!” yelled Kuroo. 

“Fuku-chan's not here!” yelled Bokuto back and for a moment, Tsukishima's blood froze. 

“What do you mean...”

“You left the window open!”

Kuroo looked like he was ready to throw himself out of the exact window he had left open and Tsukishima looked ready to help him with it. “Oh fuck!” whispered Kuroo. “Now that I think about it – that was the window he flew out of in the first place...” Tsukishima really wished he wouldn't be held back by Akaashi who was still clinging to him.

“Maaaan!” Bokuto wandered back into the living room, looking anything but alarmed. “Now I can't even say hello to him.”

Kuroo and Tsukishima needed a few moments to digest his words.

“Aren't...” began Tsukishima, swallowing. “Aren't you worried?”

“What? No way – Fuku-chan flies around all the time.”

“There really wouldn't be a way to make him an indoor-bird when Bokuto can't remember to close the front door half the time, let alone a window,” mumbled Akaashi into Tsukishima's chest. “But he always comes back.”

“He just wants to visit his girlfriend sometimes,” explained Bokuto while wandering over to sit on Kuroo's legs. Kuroo didn't even complain – his voice had gone completely hoarse. 

“He.. has a girlfriend?”

“Yes, it's really cute,” said Akaashi. “There's this fat squirrel in the park behind our block. We call her Harley Quinn..”

“Please stop!” whispered Tsukishima and Akaashi, that fucker, looked up at him and he _grinned_ , that stupid asshole _grinned_ at him, knowing fully well what had transpired.

“You went out to chase him, didn't you?” he said softly. Tsukishima shook his head slowly, not believing what he heard. “Did you meet Harley Quinn? She's really protective of him.”

“You...” croaked Tsukishima.

“He always helps her collect nuts and cracks them open when she wants to eat.”

Tsukishima had always known that Akaashi was secretly a sadistic little shit!

“It's why she's so fat,” he whispered. 

A huge cushion that looked like it was part of the couch hit him in the face and finally made him shut up. Bokuto yelled a scandalized “Hey!”, but Tsukishima sent Kuroo a thankful glance and freed himself from Akaashi's grip. 

“Quick, Tsukki!” yelled Kuroo while he attacked Bokuto with another cushion. “Grab everything you can find in the fridge and let's get out of here!”

“We already did that, there's nothing but a glass of pickles left!”

“Then take that!”

Tsukishima didn't really know why he went along with it, but he ran over to the kitchen, opened the fridge and grabbed the jar of pickles left in there. None of them really liked pickles, but fuck – they would not let Bokuto and Akaashi have them! 

Kuroo joined his escape in the corridor, taking the jar from him and throwing one of the pickles at Bokuto, who was chasing them without knowing why. “Eat this, you Fuku-lover!”

“What the hell, Kuroo!”

Tsukishima was able to retrieve some of their discarded clothing before reaching the front door – he left everything that was covered in shit – they could wash it first! Then he flew through the front door, Kuroo right behind him, and they fled down the stairs with Bokuto half yelling profanities, half laughing from his door. He did not chase them through the hallway and they finally came to a slithering halt in front of Tsukishima's flat. 

“Well,” said Kuroo after doubling over and still gasping for air. “Here we are. I even accompanied you to your front door at the end of our date. I really am the perfect boyfriend.”

“Shut up!” Tsukishima was also gasping for air, but he couldn't help the smile that had been blooming on his face ever since Kuroo had thrown a pillow at Akaashi. “You're a mess!”

“You're a mess!”

“You're both messes,” commented Akaashi from somewhere above them. Kuroo and Tsukishima croaked a synchronous “Shut up!”. 

“I want my pickles back,” said Akaashi. 

Kuroo decided to ignore him. “Anyway. Thank you so much for not running off halfway through, I'm really...”

“You did not win an award, so what's with the speech?”

“Akaashi, I swear to God...”

“Sorry!” yelled Bokuto who had apparently chosen to come out and re-capture his escaped boyfriend. “I think my family broke him a little. You were doing great, bro, continue!”

Kuroo sent an annoyed look up to the disembodied voices and waited to make sure they would definitely be still before he turned back to Tsukishima. “As I was saying...”

“I really like you,” interrupted Tsukishima. “And Akaashi's right, there is no need for a speech. So just skip it and kiss me already.”

“Oh... um,” Kuroo seemed a bit taken aback. “Okay then... yes. Here.”He handed Tsukishima the glass of pickles out of pure confusion and was left blinking at it for a moment. “This is...”

“Not a kiss,” said Tsukishima dryly.

“No. This is my parting gift to you.”

Tsukishima sighed. “You really are a mess,” he said and then he took matters into his own hand by grabbing him by his stupidly colorful owl-sweater and pulling him close until their lips met. He no longer tasted of bark and Tsukishima was thankful for that – he was less thankful for the jar of pickles between them, but whatever. This felt great. 

Kuroo sighed when Tsukishima pulled back and reached for his door knob. “Okay. I will... I will go now and think about... um.” He thought about what he would think about for a moment before he continued: “oh yeah. Our second date. I'll think about what we'll do on our next date.”

“Remember, no live animals.”

“Yes. I'll remember,” grinned Kuroo. “And by the way, I really like you, too.”

Tsukishima gave a curt nod before finally opening the door and hopefully closing it behind him before Kuroo would notice his bright red head. “Good night,” he said.

“Good night,” he heard Kuroo answer through the closed door. Tsukishima hugged his glass of pickles tighter and leaned against the door for a moment. 

Well... that had been quite the eventful day. He really needed a moment of quiet, so he went and checked if the balcony was free of noisy neighbors.

It wasn't, but it was only Kageyama out there, smoking his cigarette. For some reason, he had never learned that as a smoker, you had to lean against the railing and look cool while blowing smoke out into the night, because he always sat on the floor, under the table, and leaned against the wall behind him. Tsukishima joined him under the table. 

“How was your date?” asked Kageyama.

Tsukishima shrugged. “I really don't know how to answer that,” he said. “Pickle?”

Kageyama raised an eyebrow at the jar that was offered to him. “Um... sure,” he said and actually took one while handing Tsukishima his cigarette with his other hand.

They sat there for a while, Tsukishima puffing away on the cigarette, Kageyama chewing on the pickle. Finally, Tsukishima broke the silence again. 

“You knew it was him.”

“Weren't you into him ever since we were...”

“Oh God, don't talk about that!” said Tsukishima. “We just didn't have another filter for our stupid hormones and we both couldn't land with the people we wanted to. So don't say we were together.”

“I was going to say 'fooling around in high school',” said Kageyama. “Dumbass.”

“You better.” He took another drag from the cigarette and handed it back.

“Anyway,” said Kageyama, “we did now.”

“Did what?”

“Land with the people we wanted to.”

“Yes, we did.”

And there, under the table on their balcony, in a dark, dry November night, with only a glass of pickles and a fat squirrel watching from the treetops as their witness, Tsukishima and Kageyama high-fived.

**Author's Note:**

> Hallelujah! I really can't explain why these keep getting longer and longer... Sorry for everyone who hoped to see another foursome-fic... The next one is definitely going to be one, but this time it just didn't come up. I'll also try to find another plot than Fuku-chan teaming up with random animals to wreak havoc. Also, if some native English-speaker would want to beta these things and get rid of all the awkward lines, I'd be over the moon!


End file.
